Friday, 16 March 2012
I'm struggling... An awful lot.
I've read everything I can find, I've listened to; taken; visualised and even prayed. I understand the mechanics, the programming and the cause and effects- Nothing makes it any easier to deal with. No amount of it will push me further through.
I tried to give up because I can't take any more. I'm lost. I'm defenceless. I'm just me, I suppose. The sum of every day leading to now. It's all good, and oh so well to be told I've got a lot going for myself. That I'm intelligent and that I can be better; that I can beat this. Yet when the clouds are gone, and we're left watching dew turn to frost again..you ask 'why bother'. What is it all for. The dark, honest poetry that under-pins everyone is being taken away..and I hate watching everything slide.
It's selfish. Despicable. How could I try to do that to anyone.
How can't I?
It isn't about you, them or anyone else, infact. You aren't worth the worry, my friends.
I could hear you crying-
I couldn't cut off my smile.
The lies I've sold make me feel
more sorry for your pity,
than I do for my own suffering.
There you were, standing
and staring at my lie.
My lifeless view of each of you.
As if I'm some sort of monster...
Some form of unearthly beast...
A mimic, a mime. A distant everyone.
I admired the chase. That chance.
I congratulated you before we finished.
I always knew you'd be on top.
It was written in your eyes,
across your lips.
I think I'll always look up to you.
As someone who took my prize,
You took my only part.
I cannot help my part.
I just watch.
I just listen.
I love your sweet demise.
He takes every part.
He controls every piece
of you and of I.
He whispers pure extacy.
The elation in your squeel,
the volume in your moves.
Twist towards. Tense and shake.
I'm taking this image..
I can't help my part..
I'm just as hopeless..
He controls me too..